Featured Articles — September 26, 2008

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by mbokhari

Pakistani President Asif Ali Zardari, invoking the name of his wife, the slain political leader Benazir Bhutto, called for help in fighting terrorism without unauthorized cross-border incursions by foreign forces. Zardari placed a photograph of Bhutto, who was assassinated last year, on the podium in front of him before beginning his speech today to the United Nations General Assembly, prompting uproarious applause.

The moment the name: “President Asif Zardari” was announced, there was general pandemonium in the hall. Delegates from Zambia, Mozambique and Nigeria were overcome by emotion as they climbed on their desks and vigorously shouted famous PPP slogans (Angada Bhutto dugwe ngadada? Har gdqeadan sey Bhutto dagudana ga!).

“It is a historical day for PPP-Zambia. The forces of dictatorship have finally been defeated. Finally, Frederick Chiluba is no more”, said the UN representative of Zambia, Dr. Angawand dnawagna, as his cheeks glistened with streams of tears. “These are tears of joy”. He explained. “I think the co-chairman Asif Bhutto Zardari, Shaheed-Elect, has acted in a very pragmatic manner. He has the unanimous support of the CEC of PPP. You must remember that he has been elected with a majority from the parliamentary members of Pakistan, as well as India and Israel.”

Also present was US undersecretary for Sate Richard Boucher. “I am feeling bittersweet today”, said Boucher philosophically as he adjusted his Sindhi cap. Jinjo hitey khap, Tinjo hutey bhi khap, as we say in Nawabshah.”, mused Boucher as he explained the meaning while wraping himself more tightly in his ajrak: “Those who are most needed on earth, seem to be needed by God as well.”

As the delegates of the UN General Assembly were waiting for President Zardari to show up, news broke in the hall of a massive security breach outside on the 44th Street & 1st Ave, just by the gates of One United Nations Plaza. It was soon explained that some enthusiastic jiyalas armed with party flags and pictures of Benazir Bhutto had climbed over the gates of the UN compound and were trying to march in the Assembly Hall while crying and shaking with loud whimpers interspersed with PPP slogans.

Some delegates from the traditionally anti-PPP segment of South American countries raised slogans against jiyala behavior. “Jiyalas estos son realmente estúpido– REALMENTE ESTUPIDO!!!” A real crises was at hand when the UN delegate of Uruguay Dr. Pedro Rodriguez came to blows with the Information Secretary of PPP-Tunisia, Mrs. Husna al-Bundaqi after Mrs. al-Bundaqi had shouted “Idhar hum, udhar tum”

Thankfully, the situation was calmed by Dr. Condoleeza Rice, US Secretary of State, who came to the podium and started a soulful rendition of “Sur Kalyaan” from the “Shah jo Risalo”. She wiped her eyes with her ajrak dopatta as she sang the mournful verses:

Aeik Qasar, Dara Lakha, kuorrein kanrnass ggirkhion
(Single palace, millions doors, billions are there windows)
Jedanhan karyaan parakha, tedanhan BB saamhoon
(Whereever I look, I find the same BB in front of me)
Kuorrein kayaaoon tunhinjyoon, likhan lakaha hazar
(The billions are your praises, written by the millions)
Jeeyu sabhkahan geea seein, darsan dhaaroon dhaar
(Life is similiar every where, but perceived individually)
Prem! tunhinja paara, kahrra chaee, keian chavaan.
(O Beloved! how can I describe your so many reflections).

After every line, loud wailing could be heard through the UN General Assembly, broken only by sniffing and sneezing sounds. The UN delegate from Yugoslavia, Dragan Karadgorvich, was inconsolable as he shook and cried. “Hai Benazir! Your death is almost as traumatic as the breaking up of Yugoslavia. Oh why did you have to die? My only hope now is that Ban Ki Moon does not remember that Yugoslavia does not exist any more. Ya Allah Ya Rasool, Benazir Beqasoor! Jiyeee Bhutttto!”

His emotions were shared not only by the large majority of UN General Assembly delegates, but also by the large number of jiyalas in the visitors gallery. As soon as President Zardari appeared on the stage, the hall reverberated with earth-shattering slogans of “Har Ghar sey Bhutto niklay ga! Tum kitnay Bhutto maro gay?” and “Abki Baari, Asif Zardari”. PPP-Ukraine delegate Prof. Sergei Chemyevsky approached the podium and advised the jiyalas not to raise these two slogans right after another because that would be bad luck. “We want President Zardari to live as long as Premier Stalin”, he explained.

Finally, after much anticipation, President Zardari began his speech after putting the picture of Benazir Bhutto on the podium. He paid rich tributes to the martyred PPP members in Chechnya, East Timor and Georgia. “How long will the blood of the martyrs be so cheap?”, he asked the audience. Qiyamat tak! Qiyamat tak!, shouted the whole UN General Assembly unanimously.

In explaining his policy imperatives, President Zardari explained that the judges restoration has already been accomplished, the matter of Benazir Bhutto’s murder is being investigated by the UN tribunal and the World Court in The Hague has been asked to take up the issue of 58-2B. His proclamations were met by a standing ovation and deafening applause for 21 minutes.

Next, the president explained his plans for large public works to alleviate unemployment and rejuvenate the economy. Among the largest mega-projects were the ambitious plans of building Murtaza Bhutto dam between Egypt and Israel, Bilawal Bhutto Express bridge between India and Sri Lanka, Oil exploration in the Nanga Parbat mountain range and an underground tunnel linking the North Pole with Antarctica, whose name is being decided.

His iconic address was broken repeatedly by a cacophony of slogans of “Saton Barray AzmoN ki Zanjeer, Benazir, Benazir”

As President Zardari winded up his speech, he announced the renaming of the chunnel as “Benazir Bhutto Channel Tunnel” between England and France. This announcement was met by dangerous levels of applause and slogans. Several senior UN delegates from the Central Asian Republics were seen with bleeding ears while the paramedics tended to the burst larynx of the UN delegate from PPP-Cambodia Dr. Yikiatchu Diapahe who injured himself by shouting “Jab tak sooraj chaand rahay gay, Bhutto tera naam rahay ga” at a super-human decibel level. He was pronounced dead moments later.

PPP-India President, Dr. Manmohan Singh, performed an impormptu bhangra as the PPP theme song “Bija Teer Bija” played on the sound system. He later fainted in the heated atmosphere.

Later, President Zardari flew to Washington DC to offer “Fateh khwani” at the Washington memorial. He met famous Hollywood Actor Denzel Washington and told him that the future generations of Zardaris and Washingtons will be friends forever. He complemented Denzel on the accomplishments of his ancestor George Washington and commented on the his similarity with Zulfikar Ali Bhutto. The President thanked Denzel Washington for inviting him to Washington DC and invited Mr. Washington to visit Garhi Khudabuksh Bhutto next year.

When reached for comment, Mr. Denzel Washington said: “Who dat foo?” He refused to explained further citing sanity and privacy concerns.