nice one :)
Here’s an ‘enlightening’ exchange between a news TV anchor and correspondents in Swat and Lahore:
… yes, Khalid, what can you tell us about the situation in Swat?
Well, Sameena, the situation in Swat is pretty bad, people are dying, children are starving and women are wailing!
Khalid, our viewers are well aware of the tragedy, but can you tell us any specific details about the army operation there?
Well, Sameena, the army today claimed to have entered the area of Malam Jabba and fired missiles … but what can I say, Sameena, people are dying, children are starving and women are wailing …'
Okay, so tell us a bit more about the army operation today …
This is a conspiracy, Sameena, a big conspiracy to destabilise and destroy and dismantle and demolish Pakistan! People are dying, children are starving and women are wailing …
Take it easy, Khalid. Please calm down. Give us some news on the IDPs.
Sameena, what can I say. Today our cameraman, Shakir, and I visited a refugee camp in Mardan and all I saw was sorrow, grief, pain and utter anger!
Anger against the Taliban?
Of course not, Sameena. Anger against the government, the army, the Americans, the Indians, and the El Salvadorians!
El Salvadorians?
Yes, and Tutsi and Hutu clans of Rwanda as well.
What are you talking about, Khalid?
What else can one talk about these days, Sameena? People are dying, children are starving and women are wailing …”
Khalid, please remember you are a journalist, so please try to remain calm and objective.
Calm? Calm ki ##$@##$%$#! I am a Muslim first, a proud Arab and …
Arab? But you are a Pakistani, Khalid.
Yes, but my ancestors were Arabs.
Right. Of course. Aren’t we all? Anyway, now, let’s stick to the topic. Tell us what kind of aid has so far reached the refugee camps?
Not aid, Sameena, Aids!
Aids?
Yes, what else can you expect from the infidel West!
But the West has donated millions of dollars …
Yes, only so it can use these refugee camps as human labs to create deadlier strains of the Aids virus with which it wants to wipe out all of Pakistan’s Muslim population!
Khalid, for heavens sake, you are on TV and we are a respectable TV channel! Just give us the basic details about the situation in the refugee camps. Tell us how is the government coping with the refugee influx.
The influx is not because of the Taliban, Sameena. It is because of the pre-marital fluxing going on in Karachi and Lahore!
Khalid, stop talking rubbish!
I am telling you, Sameena. Like the 2005 earthquake, this too is a curse, the wrath of God due to our sins! Repent, repent!
Okay, Khalid, please tell our viewers about the interviews you did with some of the displaced people. How are they adjusting to the tragedy?
We met this old woman, who had come on foot from Swat.
Okay, so what did she tell you about her ordeal?
She was abusing and cursing the government, the army, the Americans, the Zionists, the Indians and the Buddhists of Ceylon for her ordeal!
She was?
Yes, she was.
Did she know any Urdu?
No, she spoke Pashto.
So you know Pashto?
No, I don’t.
Then someone translated what she was saying to you?
No.
Then how did you know what she was saying?
It was obvious, Sameena. This is what every Pakistani is saying: Crush America, crush India, crush Uganda!
No, Khalid, most Pakistanis now want to crush the Taliban …
Lies! Western propaganda! The Swat people love the Taliban, they are our Muslim brothers!
But not sisters?
Huh?
Never mind. But what lies? The Taliban are committing cold-blooded murders, bombing mosques, shrines of sufi saints, chopping off heads, flogging women …
Lies, Sameena! They are really nice guys, standing up to the Americans, the Indians, the Zionists and the Mongols!
Mongols?
Yes, Sameena, Mongols.
What are you talking about, Khalid?
No, what are you talking about?
Excuse me?
No, excuse me!
Khalid?
Sameena?
Khalid, we are on national television.
Television? Television is haraam! A western conspiracy to brainwash and corrupt young Muslim minds!
But you work for a TV channel!
I do?
Yes!
Oh.
So, now can we have some real news from you then? Can you tell us if the government is planning an operation in Waziristan as well?
Damn them! Why didn’t you tell me?
Err … you’re the reporter, Khalid.
Right. Of course. But, damn them, nonetheless! This is not our war. A well thought-out plan to destroy Pakistan! I can’t take it anymore…
Khalid, what are you doing? Why are you tearing off your shirt?
This is an outrage, Salma.
My name’s Sameena.
Yes, Sakeena.
Sameena!
Right, Parveen! I just want to tell the viewers, I can’t take this injustice anymore! Crush America! Crush India! Crush Iran!
But Iran is a Muslim country, Khalid.
It is?
Yes.
Then crush Nepal! Enough is enough, God is great! Death to the infidels! Boom!
Khalid? Khalid, are you there? We seem to have lost contact with our Swat correspondent. Anyway, let’s move on to the sports news. Let’s talk to our correspondent, Bashir Ahmed, reporting from the Pakistan cricket team’s training camp at the Gaddafi Stadium, Lahore. Yes, Bashir.
Yes, Baajee.
You can call me Sameena. How is the training camp going?
Pretty bad, Sameena. People are dying, children are starving and women are wailing!
My God! Was there a bomb blast there?
No Sameena. But Shoaib Akhtar pulled his left calf muscle while bowling in the nets.
So?
So, I tell you, Sameena, this is a conspiracy by the Elders of Zion funding Godless multinationals and pharmaceutical companies against Pakistani cricket! This is an outrage. I can’t take it anymore...
