“Ali Moin, finish your homework quickly, we have to leave for your French class in an hour’s time,” said my cousin to her son, who wasn’t even called Ali Moin.
I asked her why she was calling him by that name and not his actual one. “Oh, this is to motivate him to emulate Ali Moin, a boy who did exceptionally well in his A-Level exams. I am trying to get everybody in the family, too, to call him by this name.”
Interesting! I thought. A couple of weeks later I found out that this bright kid of class IX, who happens to be among the top three in a competitive class at a very well-reputed school, scored two out of 10 in English and another record low mark in mathematics. His parents and the situation that they created for him at home has obviously pushed him into the doldrums. It is difficult to say how much of it was an inadvertent contribution by his mother. But there could be some level of connection, because if the goals set are too high, they create stress, and almost invariably the individual under this kind of pressure is unable to perform his or her best.
Encouraging your off-spring is about inspiring and supporting them into expanding their willingness and may be giving them the boost that they need to move forward. However, too much of this and with too strong persistence becomes demanding, making parents become somewhat trapped. They tend to force children to do what they want instead of allowing them to pursue their personal choices. Sometimes, children are driven by intrinsic motivation leading to tough self scrutiny that they are unable to bring a much-desired balance in their endeavours and get in a self-destructive perfectionism. Therefore, opening the lines of communication between parents and the young people is essential.
It is useful to have a clear idea of aims in life. It puts an individual on a more direct track for what they want to do in the future. Parents and children should be able to get together a general outline of the years ahead. Parents though undoubtedly want the best for their children. They sometimes become rigidly insistent, overloading them with objectives and unrealistically high standards. The parents in such a situation are probably not being encouraging, but are being over bearing and demanding instead. Parents may find it helpful to assess the basis of their motivation and focus on what is best for the child and let the child guide them with his or her interests. They must not allow what they want the child to do, override the child’s interests.
Having high standards does not pose a challenge until it is overly focused on external indicators of success like high scores and exceptional performances rather than acknowledging a child’s effort and how much he has actually learned. Researchers have observed that children of insatiably-demanding parents strive for excessive academic achievement to obtain parental love. When overwhelmed by a fear of disapproval, they become prone to harsh self-scrutiny and rarely experience lasting satisfaction despite being reasonably successful. Wayne Parker at the Johns Hopkins University Centre’s Gifted and Talented Youth programme says: “If a kid has high standards and it leads to greater happiness and achievement, he’s fine. If the standards get in the way of his being successful and happy, he’s not.”
Some decades back parents wanted their children to flourish, be normal, happy and successful, but not “stick out”. We have the most educated generation of parents ever with a considerable proportion of educated if not professional mothers, and also the most anxious generation of parents ever. In the current competitive culture, parental expectations for their children are higher than before.
Today’s parents have fewer kids and more money per child. They strive for their children to stand out. They tend to micro-manage their children’s lives and over schedule them with extracurricular activities, private tutoring and other skill development activities. Gone are the days when children could enjoy lazy afternoons, spend time simply playing with friends developing social skills, creativity and a sense of exploration, all a byproduct of unstructured play. Now children are racing from one activity to another, with meals, homework, a slot for Qari Sahib and other routines jammed in between.
Kathy Hirsh-Pasek PhD, a psychologist, points out: “We don’t want kids who are brainiacs at the expense of social skills. As parents, we want happy and intelligent children.”
Hirsh-Pasek recommends a back-to-basics approach, focusing on three key actions:
• Reflect on what they know about how children learn, including the importance of hands-on experience, exploration and play.
• Resist the push to turn children into worker bees, missing out on the pleasures and learning opportunities of childhood.
• Re-centre themselves away from being overly invested in their children.
Parents need to broaden their concept of learning and to accept their children’s limitations and nurture the gifts they do have and live with a sense of balance themselves. They will then be on their way to raising well-balanced individuals. They must try not to emphasize on academic kudos at the expense of their children’s social and emotional well-being.
